My Mother

I wanted to post about my incredible Mother. The woman who has been there every step of the way for me. She has picked me up when I was about to give up with this whole process. There would be times when I would be challenged greatly with paperwork, or set backs with the Country closing, or other road blocks and she would encourage me with her words to continue to move forward. While we in the Ukraine she was our lifeline. We called her every day if it was possible and sometimes 2-3 times a day. She consoled us, counseled us, gave us ideas, researched for us, supported us and most importantly loved us. We depended on her daily, and she was always there for us, every hour of every day. I could not have made it through this without her. Although many of you have not had the pleasure of meeting my Mother she is an extremely bright, strong, independent woman who taught me that with perseverance and integrity one can always reach their goals. No matter how hard it is, never give up, find a way to make it happen. She is one whom believes in honesty and one who stands up for what she believes in. Her caring ways have reached thousands with her support of many organizations. She spent her whole career life, teaching, helping, taking care of special needs individuals, and making a huge impact on the lives of so many. I remember at her retirement party realizing the important role she played in making a huge difference in this world. I can only hope that one day I make half of the difference she has made. My mother is my dearest friend, a woman whom I admire and respect tremendously. She has been the greatest influence on the woman I have become today. I want to say thanks for being there every step of the way!
I love you Mom.

Home

Our travels home were long but fruitful. We schlepped the stroller one last time. We could have easily given it away, but Jesse was determined to bring it home, and so we did. We met a nice guy named Alex at the airport who was on our flight. He was born in Moscow, moved to a small village in Mexico when he was nine and then to Miami, South Beach. He was carrying tennis rackets so we assumed he played but not until we got to talking did we find out that he is a professional tennis player who is currently traveling playing the circuit. While exchanging information about ourselves he became aware that we lived in the Los Angeles area. He wanted to know if we knew where Calabasas was because he would be there in a few weeks for a match. Of course we know where Calabasas is we told him, not far from our home. He invited us to come watch him play and we invited him to our home. Looking forward to getting together again. While we were on the plane, Jess and I ventured back to where Alex was sitting. We figured if he was up to visiting it would make the 11 hour flight go faster. Alex wanted to know our story, so there we were in the back of a 737 sharing our unsuccessful adoption story. Not sure if he was just being nice, but he let us go on and on describing in detail our story and letting us relive our agony. He had no idea how therapeutic it was for us. Without notice a woman in the seat in front of us turned around and said she could not help but overhear our conversation. She had alot to say about the Ukraine and how adoptions operate and we welcomed all of her comments. Then Alex and her began to talk "sports", and they realized they both knew someone that Alex was just playing tennis with in the Ukraine. They also discovered that they both live in South Beach within 4 blocks of one another. Soon after we discovered that this nice Ukrainian woman was also a professional athlete, a 3 time GOLD medalist, sprinter. The rest of the flight Jess and I spent talking to these two remarkable athletes who continued to encourage us to move forward and never give up. It was a perfect flight. Landed in New York on time and found our way to the right terminal to check in for our flight to LA. We had a 4 hour layover in NY. Prior to leaving the Ukraine we had been communicating through e-mail with a wonderful woman who lives in NY who helped us tremendously. We sent an e-mail to her telling her we had a layover and we would love to have coffee if she lived close enough. She sent an e-mail back telling us to phone when we arrived that she would love to meet us and asked us how we would feel if she brought her adopted daughter and husband with her. We were so appreciative that she was so sensitive to us and told her we would love to meet the whole family. After we checked in we were heading towards the phone booth to call her when a woman approached us asking us if we were Jesse and Nicole. She had found us without us calling her. What a lovely welcoming back into the US. I started to cry. Here we are in NY with a woman who has never met us but believed enough in us that she came with her family to find us at the airport. No words can express our gratitude. All 5 of us parked our butts on the floor of the airport and got to know one another. It was an event we will never forget. We loved her,her husband and their beautiful daughter. Their story was an inspiration to us. They traveled to the Ukraine 3 times before they found their daughter. And we could see and feel that although it was not easy to find her it was worth every single challenge and road block they encountered. Wish we had more time to spend with them, but have made a commitment to ourselves that we will visit again when we go back east to visit relatives. We also know that this is the beginning of a really wonderful relationship.
Home at last, re-grouping, feeling completely disjointed. Jesse said to me when I woke up, "how are you feeling?" And I started to cry and said, "I just imagined we would be waking up with our child and I would be pouring milk into a bowl of cereal saying, "have as much as you want!" For now we are resting our troubled minds, and healing our wounds before we move forward.
We have received an out pour of well wishes from friends and family. Thank you all, and know that as soon as we work through this we will be in communication. It may take us some time to get back to our old selves but we will get there. One thing is foresure... Jess and I are in this together.

Childless

I didn't think I could pull myself together to write tonight. What a ride. Our hope is that we will be able to get out of here quickly and return home.
When we started this trip we knew that our lives would be changed forever, but not like this. We fought this fight to the very end, exhausting every single resource possible. After our agency told us to "go home" we received an e-mail from the Assistant to the Minister of the Ministry of the dept that the SDA is under. Then a phone call asking us if we could meet at 11am Friday to discuss our situation alone and they would supply the interpreter. This was only possible because of influential contacts. A client of mine referred a very high powered Attorney to us who had excellent political connections and he actually made this connection for us. It's all who you know. Our meeting today was successful in a few ways confirming what we already knew about this mess and how it happened, but unfortunately this contact could not get us our 3rd appt without breaking the law.
We appreciate all the love and support from everyone. Since we reached out to people for help we have received an overwhelming 200plus e-mails. All from people who cared enough to reach to us.
Still torturing ourselves with all the questions. Why? How come? And although we are not quite there and we do not understand, there is a part of us that firmly believes that everything happens the way it is supposed to.
Changed forever...

Hanging on

It was an extremely painful day. The profound betrayal and devastation almost too much to bare. We grieved all day, taking out our anger in displaced ways.
We received an e-mail this morning from our agency that read, "We are recommending that you go home!" Go home? How is that possible? We came to the Ukraine to adopt our child. What do you mean go home? Jess and I reviewed our history of this adoption in the making, from the day we decided after the news from our infertility specialist, to the long hours of research, running around with paperwork, late nights completing our adoption courses,the nightly discussions, our friendships we have developed through our adoption arena, and so much more. Both of us remembering our preparation prior to leaving. Jesse and his electronics..."gotta stay connected", he would say and of course work. Cleaning out the "new ones" room. Taking my extra clothes from that closet and saying to Jesse, "where am I gonna put all this stuff?" Baby proofing the house, and buying a stroller to bring with us. Which we have schlepped around to LAX,Rome,Kiev, Kharkiv, and Dnipro. Remembering our long talks about our child...boy or girl?...what kind of personality will they have?...how old will they be?...where will they sit at the dinner table?...will they like Sushi?...and the list goes on. Going over and over in our heads, how could this possibly be happening?
And then came late afternoon...can't say too much except...
DEVINE INTERVENTION!

Completely Numb

Unfortunately our situation went from terribly bad to worse. The chain of events that have happened today are causing us to believe that someone is telling us to "get out of dodge!" All of it is UNBELIEVABLE. We are no longer sure about our appointment tomorrow with the Director of the SDA due to a confrontation that took place today between our facilitator and the Director. It appears that Jess and I are in the middle of a feud that is not ours. We have been trying to stay afloat but others are sinking us.It is our worst nightmare. Continuing to reach out and will exhaust every single resource before we leave this place. Will write more once I wrap my head around all of this.

Pure exhaustion

Our situation has become very complicated. We are beyond exhausted staying up most of the night to find a way to make this happen. Networking and networking. We are overwhelmed with the responses and help from our friends and strangers alike.
A restoration of our faith in mankind. I am too tired to write much. Our plan at this point it to have a conference call with our Agency at 8am our time tomorrow morning and stratigize about our meeting with the SDA Director on Thursday. We are told this is not an easy task but nonetheless we are going for it. Hoping by tomorrow I will have my energy back and ready to write. Until tomorrow...

Speechless

We were denied our 3rd appointment. I do not have the stength to write the details tonight but wanted to communicate this info to all of you who are following our journey. Is this really happening? How could it be so? Our next step is to go to the Director of the SDA on Thursday. More later.

I can't hear you

Okay so get this. Jess and I go to a small store this morning to gather a few items. This is right after we move to our new apartment, number 5. Yes this is our 5th apartment here in Kiev, apparently apartments are a hot commodity and you can only stay in one for a few days. So we are back in the first apartment that we stayed in when we first arrived in Kiev. It is okay, but when we arrived Jesse did not have access to the internet like he was promised so he was not happy. Finally at some point he was able to get online…thank goodness! Back to the store. Jess and I bought water, candy bars, and Q-tips. Now I am a Q-tip snob so for me to just by any Q-tip is a big deal. But Jesse said we needed them so we bought them. I should have known by the packaging, they came in a plastic baggy. Once we were back at the apartment Jess pulled 2 out and began to twist them in his ears. So I took 2 out and began to twist them in my ears, not hard, just an easy twist, back and forth. When I pulled the right Q-tip out I noticed there was no cotton on the end. I said to Jess “I think the cotton is stuck in my ear.” How could that happen? Jess looked in my ear but saw nothing. He then “MacGyvered” a tool out of the end of a Q-tip missing the cotton. At this point I will try anything but I must say I was reluctant to put this thing that just screwed me up back in my ear! I put this tool in my ear and twisted and turned hoping to catch the end of the cotton and pull it out. Twisting and turning, back and forth…but no luck. I jumped on one leg with my head tilted, I held my nose and blew, still nothing. Once Jess was able to get online he went to “what to do if you get a Q-tip stuck in your ear.” It read, “See a Doctor!” I phoned our Ukrainian Adoption Doctor and told him what happened and he said, “I can’t hear you, what did you say?” I said, “I was using a Q-tip and the cotton got stuck in my ear!” It was so comical we all were laughing. He asked if it was an emergency and told me that it was not life threatening and If I could stand the “discomfort” for one night then he would send me to and ENT tomorrow. Jess and I had the giggles…who else would get a Q-tip stuck in their ear while they’re in the Ukraine? Apparently me! Jess says I should sleep with my good ear on the pillow that way since I can’t hear out of the "bad” ear I should sleep pretty well. I’ll give it a try. Geeze I know I have been wanting a good nights rest, but I certainly did not have to go to this extent. Will fill you in on the Doctors visit tomorrow and update you with our 3rd appointment date.

Ukrainian name for Q-Tip- Cotton Cobb

Re-grouping

Spent the day re-grouping,reconnecting and now we are in the mindframe to make this adoption happen. Thanks to all of our friends and family who have reached out continuoulsy and given us support,strength and love. Our motto is still...just keep swimming...just keep on swimming.

Log on to this link-
www.youtube.com/watch?v=4WVoC_CJbow

Andre

The last few days have been more overwhelming than I can articulate.
We flew to Dnipropetrovsk at 9am on Sept 3rd, schlepping our luggage once again, arriving at the “Inspectors” office by 11:30am. Picked up our paperwork and drove directly to the orphanage. To get there we managed our way thru small streets with single family old homes. Much different then we have seen so far. The taxi pulled down a dirt road to where the big gate to the orphanage was. Before long we were escorted into the Directors office. She was a hardcore, nasty middle aged woman. Her vibe was strong, direct and coming right at us. As soon as we sat down she picked up the phone, said something in Russian and then hung up. Just as we started to ask our questions, her door opened and a Caretaker walked in with little beautiful Andre. Jess and I just stared…and then the Caretaker prompted him, like a puppet to say “hi Momma.” My heart stopped, I could barely catch my breath. How dare this Director do this to us, we were not ready for this yet. I was furious. The questions finally begin, asking about his Mother, birth, siblings, medical conditions, etc. This is all going on while Andre is interacting with Jesse. We are told he was in the hospital for 1 year after birth. Something our US Doctor says is a red flag. Mainly because there is not much stimulation going on while they are in the hospital. We notice right away that this boy looks like he is about 2, if that. He is very tiny, but extremely interactive seems to be very sharp, gentle personality, even a little shy. We can tell he understands the Director and her commands, parading him around again like a puppet. (This made me sick). After watching Jess and Andre play “thumbs up” and Andre resting his two little hands on Jesse’s leg, I am thinking quietly to myself, “Jesse has a son.” Then the bomb drops, or what feels like a bomb. My head is spinning, what else have we not been told. We were given the wrong information, he did NOT have the Cleft surgery like we were told only plastic surgery. It was NOT recent like we were told but 2 years ago. He is scheduled to have the Cleft fixed when he is 5 or 6 when the only Doctor in the region can fit him in! What kind of place is this? This child can not speak because he needs his mouth fixed. He actually could say words, but not sentences. We question the misinformation and are told, they do not know who would have given us the wrong information. Okay, he seems to be an absolutely delightful child, we can do the surgery and work with this is what I am thinking. We are told his diagnosis is an incomplete left side cleft palate, but when he opened his mouth for us, we could clearly see it was straight in the middle of his mouth, 1 inch wide, and the length of his whole mouth. It was a huge cleft palate. We begin to question possible FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) because of the placement of his eyes, and his missing nose bridge. We are told it is all related to his cleft. We are not Doctors so we really do not know at this point. None of our questions were answered in a complete manner, some vague, some skirted around. And every time I would ask something else, I got the feeling the Director was saying enough already, do you want him or not? We leave with “pits” in our stomachs. Not knowing what to think. With the little amount of time we spent with this boy we are completely falling for him. We rush to an internet café to download our photos to send to our US Doctor, and the ports are closed and there is no way to send them. Beyond stressful, so we drive to DT to the largest internet café in this city and no luck. Minds are racing, we call our Doctor here who has agreed to come on Thursday to examine Andre.While waiting to go back during visiting time, Jess and I are reviewing the height, weight, and circumference charts. He does not meet the requirements even for the 1 percentile.We go over it and over it making sure we are reading it correctly. What do we do? So much pressure. Do we go back, completely fall in love or do we wait until a Doctor can examine him before we put ourselves thru such heartbreak? The tears are falling, trying to find some common ground, but we are on overload. What do we do?
We finally get a line out and call my Mom. She brainstorms with us, and consoles us. We go from deciding to go visit with him, to waiting until Dr Yuri comes. Back and forth, back and forth. What kind of decisions are we being asked to make? This is absolute torture. Neither Jess nor I can stop crying. Finally we call our Doctor in the US and explain why we can not send pictures. We are desperate for his advice and help and he can hear it. With his gentle voice he brings me out of my “crisis’ mode to a place where I can reason. He begins with a series of questions. What does his cleft look like? Describe it for me as best you can. What was his birth wait, gestation period, length, current weight, height, head circumference? Do you think he can hear? What lab results were you shown? How old was his Mother? Any FAS? I answer the best I can. As soon as I give him the Childs head circumference, he says, are you sure you have the right birth date? I assure him. He proceeds to tell me that his head is extremely small. Can be caused by many things, including FAS, but this is great cause for concern. This means his brain is not growing at a normal rate. He then consults with his cranial/cleft specialist and after reviewing all the information we give him, he says, ‘I believe this child is too “high risk.” I begin to reach, but, “he is really smart, very interactive, responded quickly to everything.” Once again, he says” I believe this child is too “high risk.” Trying to digest his words was almost impossible. When I came to, I thanked him for his professional advice and expertise. Jess and I sobbed knowing this was our answer. We have come to the Ukraine to adopt a child with minor correctable medical conditions,and our Doctor felt Andre would need more than this. No one can imagine the pain and agony we felt and are still feeling. We both fell for this little guy, and certainly we could provide so much for him, but at this time in our lives we are looking for a healthier child. Neither of us can shake his sweet smile, big blue eyes with the longest eyelashes you’ve ever seen.
I slept only because of the aid of an Ambien. In the morning we needed to go back to the orphanage to write our refusal. I could not imagine why this Director was making us do this at the orphanage, the last one didn’t. So I gathered my composure barely and to the orphanage we went. Walking past the big front gates we could see children, lots of young children, who looked healthy playing in the yard. I tried not to look, but I could see Jesse staring out to all of them, asking himself what about these children? The truth is that they are not available, either someone visits them 1 time a year, or there Mothers have not signed off, or they have siblings. The list goes on of why so many are not available.I brought with me a bag full of special things for Andre. A Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and a Disney “cars” outfit (thanks ROD), a stuffed animal, coloring book, color pens, crayons, and more. I asked the clerk to make sure that the whole bag went to Andre and no one else. I hope it made him smile and that he knows we thought he was very special. Jess and I will remember him forever. Today we even got our charts out again, starting to look up things online regarding measurements, basically reaching, but the same conclusion keeps rearing its face.
Last night was extremely difficult for both of us, do we stay for our 3rd appointment or do we go home? Today we are both in agreement that we will stay and are hopeful that it is all going to work out. Went to the SDA to drop off our refusal letter and were told to call on Monday after 11am to find out about our 3rd appointment.
I want to say that I am so proud of my husband for being so vulnerable and exposing himself to such pain without giving up. He has stretched himself in impossible ways and is still willing to stay and take another chance with me. I picked a “Wiener!”(winner). As most of you know we have spent countless hours with paperwork, research, investing endless amounts of time, and energy with this adoption project. We are here to find our child. Still believing that the brick walls are there not to keep us out, only to make us realize how much we want something.
HEALTHY CHILD, HEALTHY CHILD, HEALTHY CHILD!

Barely Standing

Wanted to let you know we arrived back in Kiev tonight without the little boy Andre.
Will write tomorrow.

Leavin' tomorrow

Did not sleep a wink last night. So many things going through my mind. Early in the morning I had a complete meltdown which lasted almost the whole day. Do not want to get into yesterday but let's say it just about put me over the edge. Jess and I talked for hours today and I cried. Throughout the day Jess cried too, mostly I think he felt helpless because he could not really do much for me...the truth is I just needed a day to let it all out, re-group, re-connect with Jess and move on. Both of us were dis-enchanted, angry, bitter, full of questions, and trying to dig deep enough to find some resolve. Late afternoon I pulled it together, wiped my puffy eyes, and we went to purchase our plane tickets at a small local travel agent and back to the SDA to pick up our new referral paperwork. The gal at the SDA today let us look at our referral's picture again for about 2 minutes and I had a chance to study the photo. Some of my concerns about his cleft lip and palate have dissipated somewhat. I am hoping that it is not as severe as I originally was thinking. There is only one Ukrainian airline and that's the one we are on. Our plane leaves Kiev tomorrow at 9am and will arrive in Dnipropetrovsk at 10:30am. We have arranged for a driver to pick us up and take us directly to see the "Inspector."Then we will go to the orphanage. Our Doctor here in the Ukraine is on stand-by for us and our Doctor in the US is waiting to hear from us as well. Both Jess and I are feeling excited about this little boy and are hoping for a beautiful connection.

Round 2

Just got home. It was a very difficult day. Again we were shown very sick children except for 2 sibling sets and the child we are traveling to meet. One sibling set was twin boys age 8, and the other sibling set a boy 3 and his sister 9. Neither felt like a good fit for us. I will not go into the details of today and the difficulties but at the end of the day we have decided to travel to meet a little 4 1/2 year old boy, who seems to be quite healthy except for he was born with a cleft palate. He recently had surgery and will need additional. We consulted with our Doctor here who told us as long as he understands everything he should be fine. He also said he is very lucky that he was given the surgery because many orphans are never even considered. The orphanage Director told Sveta that this child is a "splendid" child who is interacting well with others. This is about all we know. There are so many medical questions we still need answered and so we are traveling to find them out. We are both in a strange way, afraid to be too vulnerable. Will write more tomorrow and fill you in on our travel plans.
All our love-