Andre

The last few days have been more overwhelming than I can articulate.
We flew to Dnipropetrovsk at 9am on Sept 3rd, schlepping our luggage once again, arriving at the “Inspectors” office by 11:30am. Picked up our paperwork and drove directly to the orphanage. To get there we managed our way thru small streets with single family old homes. Much different then we have seen so far. The taxi pulled down a dirt road to where the big gate to the orphanage was. Before long we were escorted into the Directors office. She was a hardcore, nasty middle aged woman. Her vibe was strong, direct and coming right at us. As soon as we sat down she picked up the phone, said something in Russian and then hung up. Just as we started to ask our questions, her door opened and a Caretaker walked in with little beautiful Andre. Jess and I just stared…and then the Caretaker prompted him, like a puppet to say “hi Momma.” My heart stopped, I could barely catch my breath. How dare this Director do this to us, we were not ready for this yet. I was furious. The questions finally begin, asking about his Mother, birth, siblings, medical conditions, etc. This is all going on while Andre is interacting with Jesse. We are told he was in the hospital for 1 year after birth. Something our US Doctor says is a red flag. Mainly because there is not much stimulation going on while they are in the hospital. We notice right away that this boy looks like he is about 2, if that. He is very tiny, but extremely interactive seems to be very sharp, gentle personality, even a little shy. We can tell he understands the Director and her commands, parading him around again like a puppet. (This made me sick). After watching Jess and Andre play “thumbs up” and Andre resting his two little hands on Jesse’s leg, I am thinking quietly to myself, “Jesse has a son.” Then the bomb drops, or what feels like a bomb. My head is spinning, what else have we not been told. We were given the wrong information, he did NOT have the Cleft surgery like we were told only plastic surgery. It was NOT recent like we were told but 2 years ago. He is scheduled to have the Cleft fixed when he is 5 or 6 when the only Doctor in the region can fit him in! What kind of place is this? This child can not speak because he needs his mouth fixed. He actually could say words, but not sentences. We question the misinformation and are told, they do not know who would have given us the wrong information. Okay, he seems to be an absolutely delightful child, we can do the surgery and work with this is what I am thinking. We are told his diagnosis is an incomplete left side cleft palate, but when he opened his mouth for us, we could clearly see it was straight in the middle of his mouth, 1 inch wide, and the length of his whole mouth. It was a huge cleft palate. We begin to question possible FAS (fetal alcohol syndrome) because of the placement of his eyes, and his missing nose bridge. We are told it is all related to his cleft. We are not Doctors so we really do not know at this point. None of our questions were answered in a complete manner, some vague, some skirted around. And every time I would ask something else, I got the feeling the Director was saying enough already, do you want him or not? We leave with “pits” in our stomachs. Not knowing what to think. With the little amount of time we spent with this boy we are completely falling for him. We rush to an internet café to download our photos to send to our US Doctor, and the ports are closed and there is no way to send them. Beyond stressful, so we drive to DT to the largest internet café in this city and no luck. Minds are racing, we call our Doctor here who has agreed to come on Thursday to examine Andre.While waiting to go back during visiting time, Jess and I are reviewing the height, weight, and circumference charts. He does not meet the requirements even for the 1 percentile.We go over it and over it making sure we are reading it correctly. What do we do? So much pressure. Do we go back, completely fall in love or do we wait until a Doctor can examine him before we put ourselves thru such heartbreak? The tears are falling, trying to find some common ground, but we are on overload. What do we do?
We finally get a line out and call my Mom. She brainstorms with us, and consoles us. We go from deciding to go visit with him, to waiting until Dr Yuri comes. Back and forth, back and forth. What kind of decisions are we being asked to make? This is absolute torture. Neither Jess nor I can stop crying. Finally we call our Doctor in the US and explain why we can not send pictures. We are desperate for his advice and help and he can hear it. With his gentle voice he brings me out of my “crisis’ mode to a place where I can reason. He begins with a series of questions. What does his cleft look like? Describe it for me as best you can. What was his birth wait, gestation period, length, current weight, height, head circumference? Do you think he can hear? What lab results were you shown? How old was his Mother? Any FAS? I answer the best I can. As soon as I give him the Childs head circumference, he says, are you sure you have the right birth date? I assure him. He proceeds to tell me that his head is extremely small. Can be caused by many things, including FAS, but this is great cause for concern. This means his brain is not growing at a normal rate. He then consults with his cranial/cleft specialist and after reviewing all the information we give him, he says, ‘I believe this child is too “high risk.” I begin to reach, but, “he is really smart, very interactive, responded quickly to everything.” Once again, he says” I believe this child is too “high risk.” Trying to digest his words was almost impossible. When I came to, I thanked him for his professional advice and expertise. Jess and I sobbed knowing this was our answer. We have come to the Ukraine to adopt a child with minor correctable medical conditions,and our Doctor felt Andre would need more than this. No one can imagine the pain and agony we felt and are still feeling. We both fell for this little guy, and certainly we could provide so much for him, but at this time in our lives we are looking for a healthier child. Neither of us can shake his sweet smile, big blue eyes with the longest eyelashes you’ve ever seen.
I slept only because of the aid of an Ambien. In the morning we needed to go back to the orphanage to write our refusal. I could not imagine why this Director was making us do this at the orphanage, the last one didn’t. So I gathered my composure barely and to the orphanage we went. Walking past the big front gates we could see children, lots of young children, who looked healthy playing in the yard. I tried not to look, but I could see Jesse staring out to all of them, asking himself what about these children? The truth is that they are not available, either someone visits them 1 time a year, or there Mothers have not signed off, or they have siblings. The list goes on of why so many are not available.I brought with me a bag full of special things for Andre. A Mickey Mouse sweatshirt and a Disney “cars” outfit (thanks ROD), a stuffed animal, coloring book, color pens, crayons, and more. I asked the clerk to make sure that the whole bag went to Andre and no one else. I hope it made him smile and that he knows we thought he was very special. Jess and I will remember him forever. Today we even got our charts out again, starting to look up things online regarding measurements, basically reaching, but the same conclusion keeps rearing its face.
Last night was extremely difficult for both of us, do we stay for our 3rd appointment or do we go home? Today we are both in agreement that we will stay and are hopeful that it is all going to work out. Went to the SDA to drop off our refusal letter and were told to call on Monday after 11am to find out about our 3rd appointment.
I want to say that I am so proud of my husband for being so vulnerable and exposing himself to such pain without giving up. He has stretched himself in impossible ways and is still willing to stay and take another chance with me. I picked a “Wiener!”(winner). As most of you know we have spent countless hours with paperwork, research, investing endless amounts of time, and energy with this adoption project. We are here to find our child. Still believing that the brick walls are there not to keep us out, only to make us realize how much we want something.
HEALTHY CHILD, HEALTHY CHILD, HEALTHY CHILD!